“Dinner is ready!”
The smell of food wafted through the air. I was famished! Mom had been running errands and would be arriving soon. Dad had volunteered to do dinner, which meant the meal had a 75% chance of being “interesting.” Dad has a knack for making the ordinary into a game of chance. The results were yet to be determined!
My stomach rumbled as we headed toward the dining room to sit down. Dad had made chili. The chili I am referring to is a simple soup with ground beef, beans, tomatoes, and mild chili spices. You had to put everything in a pot and heat it through. Simple.
Mom arrived and everything was set, so we all sat down. We passed bowls of chili around the table, and then Dad prayed over the meal. Little did we know this was about to be a heated dinner.
That first bite was spicey! I love spice, but this was the kind that makes steam come out your ears, your eyes water, and your nose run. I wasn’t the only one struggling. Dad took a bite and started to hiccup. My siblings followed suit, and one by one, tears started rolling down our cheeks.
We found out later that Dad had seen a container with what looked to him like green chilies. However, they were diced jalapeños. He had used the entire container, which equated to four or five jalapeño peppers. He had also put in extra chili powder to “give it a little kick.” There were only two of us who had a chili dinner that night.
Family Relationships
Family ties can be much like Dad’s chili: a known meal with unexpected ingredients added. If a simple chili represents our expectations for our family relationships, then the extra jalapeños might represent life’s twists and turns that complicate family dynamics.
You may, for example, be able to relate to these unknown or suddenly added elements of the constantly evolving TCK life: a new foreign country, language barriers, saying goodbye to friends, or fitting into your parents’ country of origin. While navigating these TCK challenges, our family ties can either fuel us or leave us feeling hollow.
God created us to desire community, especially within our family. We can foster community within our family by stirring the pot of prayer, practicing intentional listening, and watching out that our expectations of perfection do not end up spoiling the stew.
1. Cover Your Family in Prayer
Recently, my brother called. I have only seen him once in over 10 years. We don’t talk regularly, but he called so that we could pray together. This was a special moment for me because I had been praying for years for healthy, godly relationships with my siblings. To me, this was a stepping stone toward God’s answer to that prayer.
Growing up overseas, my siblings and I walked through many of the same events, but how we experienced those events differed. We each interpreted what we went through in different ways.
Siblings as Friends
As a homeschooled kid, I wanted to have my siblings be my best friends. I even read the book Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends by the Mally family.¹ I was eager and hopeful that it would all work out in the way I dreamed, but I didn’t factor in the free will of my siblings and that God’s plan for us might look quite different than mine.
That is not to say we didn’t have some good times. But desiring something, even if it is a good thing (like close family friendships), doesn’t make it happen (in my way and timing).
God has given us the good desire to have genuine and healthy connections with those closest to us. Healthy relationships center around God’s grace and grow both individuals by His power.
However, when things don’t go as planned, it can create feelings of rejection or doubt that maybe you aren’t doing something right. The truth is that God did not create us to be our siblings’ all, or our siblings, for that matter, to be our all. That’s Christ’s job.
We need God’s grace to help purify our desires so that our relationships remain healthy and don’t become too dependent or grow distant over time.
Scripture reminds us of our need and the promise of grace in Hebrews 4:16, which says,
“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (ESV).
Prayer
Our relationships should flow from our primary relationship with God. Prayer is one way to help us recognize our need for grace. God’s grace transforms us so that we can love those around us in greater measure. We cannot have healthy relationships without His presence in our lives. Our family members need us to pray for them, but they also need us to be praying for ourselves.
Friction between siblings can be caused by unrealistic expectations because we’re trying too hard to win their affection. Instead of forcing our siblings to be friends with us, maybe we should be patiently listening to God’s heart while He is at work in our family. The best thing we can do is pray for our hearts and the hearts of our siblings.
Then, when there is an opportunity to grow the friendship, being an intentional listener is vital.
2. Practice Intentional Listening to Fuel Healthy Relationships
“Six kids!”
Everyone told us we were a large family. We stood out among the crowds in Europe. However, trying to be heard in the family was another story. Or even getting a parent’s undivided attention was difficult.
My parents always seemed so busy with my siblings that they didn’t have time for me except on my birthday. This hurt, as quality time is important to me, and the hurt fueled my loneliness.
On my birthday, I was thrilled to be the only one taken out to eat at my favorite German restaurant in Altenglan. It wasn’t perfect, but it was my special time. We would ask questions of each other and talk about things with a purpose, all while enjoying the flavors of Jägerschnitzel. It was a time to slow down and enjoy being present as well as listening to those around me.
Time is so precious, and we can easily squander the moment by being in a rush. We may half-heartedly listen and not be present.
Intentional Listening
Intentional listening is focusing all our attention on what the person is trying to communicate. It is making the most of every opportunity we have to connect, no matter how infrequent, just as my parents did for me on my birthday and I for them. This may mean repeating back to them what you heard so you can make sure you understood them correctly.
Intentional listening is acknowledging and showing that what your family member has to say is important to you. You don’t always need to be thinking of the next question. Ask God to help you grow in your ability to truly listen to others.
In the book of James, He gives an example of how we should respond to people.
“... let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
James 1:19 ESV
We need to grow our hearing skills within our family units, and we need God’s grace and guidance, through His Word, to do so.
We may live with our family members, but there will always be depths to them we have yet to uncover. Small acts of listening grow us, incrementally over time, and can promote an understanding heart. This can nurture a close and healthy relationship in our family.
3. Watch Out for Perfection and the Burden of Unmet Expectations
“Do you remember the time we went camping across Europe?” my sister and I asked each other as we reminisced over the phone.
She remembers some of the things we saw better than I do. She remembers chasing sheep on a hill when they escaped through a gate and how she got them back in just as the shepherd and his dog appeared. I remember the times it was wet and rainy or that the food was just delicious!
Our perspectives are different even though we experienced the same outside factors like growing up in Germany.
Each person experiences the world through their vantage point, and no two people interpret things the same way. Our personalities, age, and role (assigned by ourselves or others) impact our way of seeing the world. We come with different gifts, insights, and talents that God has given us. We have our own sinful choices and patterns to deal with, and sometimes these affect us in different ways.
Sometimes we might expect perfection from ourselves or those around us. We are also affected by other people’s sins and failures.
While there’s much to learn from each other and everyone has something beautiful to contribute to the family unit as a whole, our different viewpoints often lead to many unmet expectations.
So how do we manage our unmet expectations?
First, realize the difference between expectations and perfectionism.
Expectations
Expectations are not necessarily bad; however, are those expectations realistic? Unrealistic expectations may be ones that the person was not aware you had of them. Maybe they weren’t communicated well by you or the other person. Maybe the other person doesn’t know how to listen, isn’t emotionally mature enough to handle what you have to say, or maybe the relationship has turned toxic and there is nothing you can do to move forward.
It takes two people to have a healthy relationship, and a re-evaluation of our expectations can help us see if perfectionism is at play in the relationship.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism can be an unrealistic expectation where you hold yourself and others to an unattainable standard that seeks to meet a perfect record.
Perfectionism can rob us of our joy and fuel our bitterness. The Psalms were written by a man who understood loneliness, disappointment, and even transition. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, David’s words also remind us of the character of God even in the times when we ask “Why?” in life. The Psalms point us toward Christ, who overcame what we could not.
We can manage unmet expectations by choosing to value the person, but not looking to them as the answer or solution to our loneliness.
Please remember you are not responsible for your siblings’ or parents’ actions or choices. You are, however, going to be giving an account to the Lord of your choices (Rev. 20:12). Pray for grace to be able to make the right choice even when the other person is sinning.
Remember, change is hard for everyone, and it takes the Lord’s mercy and conviction in our lives to make lasting heart changes.
Growing Family Relationships Through Transitions
Changes in our families occur naturally and are aided by unforeseen circumstances.
Moving to a new country in less than a month is an exciting and stressful time for everyone. Living out of a hotel room for the summer can bring out everyone’s grumpy, touchy sides even as it brings everyone closer together. Not having your own space to process why you feel sad can take an emotional toll on you and everyone around you.
Like that pot of soup, circumstances can surprise us with a bit of spice to our lives. We might prefer our mild TCK life with smaller changes that we can better control. However, both the good and bad are under the sovereign control of God. He knows the heat you can handle even if you do not. He understands the pain of loneliness and the disappointments you may face (Heb. 4:14–15).
Your family may not be perfect. I know mine is not, but they are the people God has placed in my life to grow me closer to Him.
God is showing me how through prayer, intentional listening, and surrendering my expectations, I can move forward in fostering those relationships, even in life’s major transitions. Oh, how we all need God to remind us and show us how to sip and savor those small moments in life with our loved ones.
TCKs for Christ: Staff Writer
Sarah Swysgood
is a military kid who grew up in the UK and Germany. She can be found experimenting with food, spices, and herbs in her kitchen or curled up reading with a spot of tea! She enjoys writing, listening to people’s stories, and encouraging others to love Christ more.
tcksforchrist.com 
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