TCK Voices: Marrying a TCK

Today, we have Agape and Delbert with us, both TCKs. Welcome!

Can you tell us a bit about yourselves and the different cultures you are a part of?

Delbert: I was born in Southern Brazil to American missionary parents. American and Brazilian cultures blended in our home, often with our own twist or touch to it. Outside the home was very much Brazilian culture, and, being missionaries, we often dealt with American culture as well, especially when we went back to the USA for deputation.

Agape: I was born and raised in Estonia, Europe, a tiny country south of Finland and next to Russia. My parents are from the USA and are missionaries. Our home had a culture all its own with elements of American, Estonian, and elements of other cultures. We spoke English with each other, Estonian with Estonians, and Russian with Russians.

How has being a TCK influenced your faith?

Delbert: Being a TCK had a significant impact on my faith. Being a missionary and not having the support of many others who shared my faith forced me to logically and rationally develop my own reasons for why I decided to be a Christian. I would say that being a TCK forced me to make my faith my own, more than to adapt to what was normally accepted in my culture. In the end, I feel like this was a good thing, as I was forced to rationalize every detail of what I believed and why I believed it. This is something I’ve noticed a lot of other people haven’t done in great detail.

Agape: Being a TCK influenced my faith greatly in that I did not have a lot of strong people around me, outside of the home, to lean on. I had to seek a strong, living connection with God myself. Through the hardships of life, I learned to be like a little child in my faith, running to my heavenly Father’s arms and asking Him to hug me when things got rough. Being a TCK, and therefore not always understood by others, made me seek His understanding and love more. I treasure that very highly.

Did you expect to marry a TCK?

Delbert: Yes, and no… Being a TCK is a rather solitary experience, and I had very little contact with other TCKs. However, I knew from my experience that I really only had a solid connection with people who had experienced other cultures. Any serious friendships often sprouted with people who were accustomed to multiple cultures. This led me to suspect that I would fit significantly better with a TCK, although I doubted a TCK who was also of a comparable religious standpoint would ever be available.

Agape: I didn’t even expect to be married! Yes, I had thought of the idea and thought it would be nice to be married to a TCK because we would potentially understand each other more, but I hardly expected to be married anymore before Delbert came into my life. Even then, it took me a while to accept that he was for me!

What have you learned from being in a relationship as a TCK?

Delbert: Communication is key. This is extremely important, so I will repeat it. Communication is key. Communication about anything and everything. Everything that bothers you, talk about it, and encourage them to talk about everything that bothers them. TCKs are, by their very nature, adaptable, and they easily adjust to differing expectations and habits. We are, by necessity, capable of partaking in multiple cultures, and therefore also capable of great understanding and compassion. However, understanding comes from communicating. 

Agape: Trust is essential, and you can only build that trust if you are completely open and honest with each other at all times. That is the only way. Complete honesty and communication are absolutely key to having a healthy relationship, especially when it is long-distance. These cannot be stressed enough. We communicated a LOT before we met in person. It helped. We were married less than two and a half months after we met!

What has been easy/difficult about being married to a TCK as a TCK? 

Delbert: Nothing has been particularly difficult, and almost everything has been very easy. I would say the most difficult thing is the fact that, due to geographical distances, family and other friendships become distant when one moves to be with their partner. Quite often, TCKs are not geographically close to each other.

As far as easy goes, again: TCKs are very adaptable. I think most TCKs will find that the benefits of marrying someone who is a TCK far outweigh the cultural differences. I come from an extremely open Brazilian culture, and my wife comes from an extremely closed Estonian culture. Culturally speaking, our backgrounds are extremely different. However, due to communication and the adaptability of the TCK mindset, we are often shocked at how easily we’ve adapted to each other.

Agape: There have been surprisingly few difficulties in our marriage. We have been amazed over and over again how well we fit together and how many things we understand about each other without having to explain them in length (things about each other’s cultures, being a missionary, TCK home life and challenges, communicating with others, etc.). It is as if we were two puzzle pieces being prepared by God, and when He finally brought us together, we fit each other perfectly! And both being TCKs has made adapting to new cultures and new things together so much easier. That is something for which I am very grateful.

What advice would you give to a TCK getting married to a TCK?

Delbert: Depend on God. The sooner you develop your relationship with God and listen to His cues, the sooner you will find peace with whatever plan God has for you. Do not get married unless you know God has approved it. Seek someone who also will not get married unless they know God has approved it. Put God in first place, and your future spouse in second place.

Agape: Put God first. Always. Seek His will. When Delbert’s dad first wrote to me asking if I was interested in his son writing to me, I prayed about it for two months before I said yes. I wanted to be very sure I had an answer from God before I took such a step because I knew if it turned serious, it would be a huge change. I wanted to be absolutely sure I was in God’s will. That is extremely important. If you don’t put God first, your marriage will not last, especially in this devastating world. 

Put God first, wait on Him, and He will bless you in ways you did not imagine possible! If His perfect will includes a spouse for you, waiting on Him and His perfect timing is essential. A marriage built on God and in His perfect timing is truly beautiful. 

Is there any other encouragement you would like to share with fellow TCKs?

Delbert: I got married at 30. I was starting to wonder if I would ever find someone. Now I know God was simply preparing me for that perfect someone. Focus on God, keep your eyes open, listen to His words, and He will direct your paths.

“Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”
Psalm 37:4–5 KJV

Agape: Use your time well. Learn new things. Grow. Focus on God and drawing ever closer to Him. Develop a close relationship with God and learn to listen to His quiet, gentle voice. He often leads quietly and gently, like a Shepherd.

Thank you so much for sharing with us, Agape and Delbert!