TCK Voices: My TCK Struggle with Identity

Today we have Hannah with us. Welcome, Hannah!

Please tell us a little about yourself and the different cultures you are a part of.

I was born in Japan to MK parents, who were also born and raised in Japan. I grew up in a very rigid and legalistic church community, with minimal contact with the outside world. This created an even more unique culture than simply “an American living in Japan.” 

When I was 20, I moved to Thailand, where I lived for nearly four years, and where I also met my husband. After moving back to Japan and getting married, I moved to Thailand again, where I have now been living for a little over a year. 

What is your biggest TCK struggle, and when did you discover this?

I would say my biggest TCK struggle is identity. Although culturally, I’m probably more Japanese than any other culture, I didn’t grow up immersed in Japanese society or mainstream culture, so there are non-Japanese things about me. I certainly do not look Japanese! 

I’m definitely not American either (I’ve never even been to the US), and I know that I’m not Thai, even though Thai people like to tell me that I am. (To be fair, my Asianness, my fluent Thai sprinkled with slang — thanks to my husband — and my willingness to eat almost anything are probably what make them see me differently from the average farang.)

Growing up, I never thought much about identity or belonging, because I belonged in the community I grew up in. It was inconceivable to even think about leaving. My identity was also determined for me. I was born to be a dendosha (evangelist), and I never questioned that. 

I first came to Thailand when the organization I grew up in sent me to serve on their team here. That was when I first became keenly aware of my inability to fit in. Everyone I met asked me where I was from, and no one believed that I was from Japan. The people here, especially in Isaan where I lived at the time, were a lot less discreet about staring at and commenting about the farang (Caucasian-looking foreigner) than Japanese people were. I desperately wanted to dye my hair black and make my skin darker so that I could somehow fit in a little better. 

It was during that time, when I was struggling the most with my inability to fit in and to even live normally due to not looking Asian, that I first came to truly understand the gospel. I found my true identity in who God said I was, and that changed my life. (Fun fact: Just two months later, I came across TCKs for Christ and ended up on the team shortly after!)

What situations in life are influenced by this struggle? 

The most obvious would be my reluctance to answer the dreaded question: “Where are you from?” Which is still slightly better than, but once answered, always leads to the Thai: “Khun pen khon arai?” (Literally, “What kind of person are you?” but should be understood as, “What country do you belong to?”)

One other situation I think of was my struggle to decide what to do about my last name when I got married. Legally, I wasn’t required to change it because I was marrying a non-Japanese citizen. I struggled between my desire to take on my husband’s last name and my desire to preserve part of my Japanese heritage for our children. But then, was there even any Japanese heritage for me to preserve? There definitely wasn’t much American heritage to preserve for them.

I also didn’t want my children to have completely different names and surnames on their two different passports, like I did. (The only information that is the same on both my passports is my photo and birthdate.) 

In the end, I decided to legally change my surname and let our kids have Japanese kanji* first names with a nearly twenty-character-long Thai surname. 

How does struggling with Identity impact your relationship with God? 

This is an interesting question to answer because it was right when I was struggling with my identity on a more surface level that I truly came to understand the gospel. Understanding the gospel and finding my identity in who I was as His child changed everything for me. But finding my true identity caused me to lose what I thought was my identity. 

Breaking free from legalism and a life and role that had been laid out for me by the “church” meant losing the identity that I had grown up holding onto. Choosing to leave that organization meant losing my entire world, my social circle, and even most of my family (for a short time — most of my immediate family also left eventually, and we were reunited). 

At 24, I was suddenly facing rebuilding my life from ground zero, with nothing to hold onto other than my identity as God’s child, the truth that He loved me, and that nothing could separate me from that love.

As hard as that season was, knowing that God loved me and that my failures couldn’t decrease His love for me gave me such great joy, comfort, and confidence. I knew that I could make it through anything because He was with me and I was His child. 

Years later, this is what still carries me through every heartbreak and difficult season. 

What is one way you fight the struggle of Identity? 

I remind myself of my identity in Christ, as God’s precious child, and that this identity is the only identity that matters. 

Having a community to lean on has also been very helpful. I enjoy working with the TCKs for Christ team and deeply appreciate each one of our team members. I have come to see them as siblings whom I’ve never met. They’ve been with me, prayed for me, and supported me through my journey, from the time I decided to leave the organization I grew up in, through that difficult transition, and during all the different stages of my life since then.

How has this struggle also been a strength in your life?

My biggest flex is that I look like a Westerner, have a Japanese passport, and a super-long Thai surname. How cool is that?!

Just kidding.

But seriously, this struggle has forced me to lean into my true identity in Christ more deeply, because I don’t have any other identity to hold onto. 

The radical change I experienced when I truly came to understand the gospel and who God says I am also allows me to bear witness to the changing power of God’s grace. We don’t have to be “stuck” in cultural values that don’t align with biblical values. Our identity as His children frees us to be who He created us to be, not what our cultural identity tells us we should be.

Is there anything else you would like to share with other TCKs who struggle with Identity?

You are not alone. I know it can feel lonely sometimes, and that’s okay. I know how it feels to hear comments based on assumptions — intended as compliments — and say to myself, “They have no idea how much I’m struggling.” 

That ache of loneliness doesn’t mean you trust God less. It is your heart grieving the loss of being fully known — the perfect harmony that was ours in the garden before the fall. 

But by trusting in Jesus, who came to restore what had been broken, you can now have an identity that far surpasses that of any culture or nation. Although everything is not yet restored to perfection — and won’t be, until Jesus returns — if you believe in Jesus as your Savior and Lord, your identity is this: God’s child. You are an heir of God along with Christ, our older brother (Rom. 8:29), and you belong in God’s family. And you know what’s the best part? No one can change that! 

Thank you for sharing with us, Hannah!

What is your TCK struggle? Find out here!

*Kanji: A system of Japanese writing using Chinese characters.