Shoes and Stubborn Independence: On Learning to Accept Help

I knew I shouldn’t have worn those shoes.

But I was in a hurry … I wasn’t going far. Surely it wasn’t a big deal if I slipped on the shoes without tying them up properly? I could simply hold my foot at an angle and keep the shoes on my feet long enough to get where I needed to be. I’d tie them later.

That rushed decision gave me a significant injury. My strained foot muscles ballooned up, and I could barely walk anywhere.

I certainly tried to walk everywhere, though. I limped to the bus stop and slowly dragged myself up and down the subway stairs on my commute to work. I could take care of myself; I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. 

“You’re making it worse,” my husband protested. “Why don’t you go to the hospital?”

“I’m British; I don’t go to the hospital unless I’m dying,” I joked. “I’m fine. It’s just a sprain; they’ll only tell me to rest and put ice on it. I can do that myself.”

Healthcare in Korea was usually much quicker to access compared to my birth country, and it was inexpensive compared to the US (where I had also lived for a few years). But I still didn’t want to go to the hospital, partly because I didn’t want the stress of navigating a healthcare system in an unfamiliar language (my Korean skills didn’t extend to medical contexts), and partly because I was sure I could take care of myself.

Almost a month went by, and in spite of my self-assurance, my foot was not improving. My husband came to me one day and declared, “I’ve taken the morning off work. I’m taking you to the clinic.”

This time, my stubborn independence melted away. I let him help me.

The doctor at the clinic spoke a little English; between that and my husband’s translation, I found my way through the process of X-rays, special treatments, and collecting pills at the pharmacy. My foot healed almost completely within a week!

I had endured needless pain because I was so determined to manage alone.

The Temptation to Manage Alone

I grew up as a TCK — a pastor’s kid and missionary kid who watched my parents carry heavy burdens, and so I wanted to make myself as unburdensome as possible. I wanted to have my life together. If I had problems, I wanted to fix them without bothering someone else.  

As TCKs, we may sometimes feel pressured to have it all together and do “it” ourselves, whatever “it” might be. 

After all, our families are often living abroad as helpers, teachers, or figures of spiritual authority. It feels vulnerable, maybe even wrong, to admit our need or weakness when we’re supposed to be strong, good examples. Perhaps we don’t want to bother other people who are busy with their mission. So, we try to manage alone.

But we can’t always go it alone. Sometimes, we need help, and that’s okay.  

God’s Plan for Us

God, our primary Helper, invites us to be vulnerable with Him.

Psalm 62:8 says, “Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” (NIV).

The Psalms are a good example of what it looks like to pour out our more difficult emotions of fear, doubt, and need, as well as our praise and hope. We don’t have to pretend to be strong in front of God when we are not in a good place. We don’t have to take care of ourselves. He is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Ps. 46:1 KJV).

God also sends help to us through other people, just like I found practical assistance through my husband and the doctor.

“God has put the body together … that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.” 
1 Corinthians 12:24–27 NIV

We are not alone. God’s plan is for His body on earth to work together, caring about and supporting each other. It is vulnerable to ask for or receive help, but it’s not wrong.

I am learning to accept help. I find there is a freedom in admitting my need and receiving love and care through God and others.   

Friend, we don’t have to carry everything ourselves. We don’t have to solve all our own problems. We are not in this alone. We can receive the help that God is willing and waiting to give us, through His presence and through His people.