“Honestly? I’m tired of being surrounded by people who don’t get me. I’m tired of feeling alone in a crowd. I’m tired of always having to put on a smile. To act like someone I’m not.”
I scribbled faster and more frantically as frustration poured out of me, like a surging swell of water breaking free of its dam. In the wake of repatriating to the States, I ached to be seen and understood by the people around me.
As I look back at what I wrote that day, I’m struck by how often this theme of being accepted by others has driven my life.
From the time I was a little girl, I’ve longed to have people like me. I’ve always been a people-pleaser. Whether it was my parents, my friends, or other adults in my life, I desperately wanted their approval of me.
That only grew in my teenage years when I became obsessed with looking and behaving and doing things that would appear “cool” to my peers.
This desire for acceptance has never left, even now in my early twenties.
Assimilating. Becoming a cultural chameleon. People-pleasing.
There are many different names for it, but it all comes down to the universal human desire to belong.
While everyone struggles with the issue of belonging at some point in their lives, TCKs face it on a whole new level. Particularly difficult is when they return to their passport country and face the reality of being a “hidden immigrant.”
The “Hidden Immigrant” Phenomenon
In their book Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, Michael Pollock and Ruth van Reken discuss the idea of the “hidden immigrant,” a term used to describe what many TCKs run into when they repatriate to their passport country.
Here’s what they say: “People around them, of course, presume they share similar worldviews and cultural awareness because, from outward appearances, they look as if they belong to the group. No one makes the same allowances for the TCK’s lack of cultural knowledge or miscues as they would an obvious immigrant or recognized foreigner” (p. 74).
This can be very difficult for TCKs because we receive the unspoken assumption that we should already know how to navigate our home culture since our passport says we’re “from” here.
We should already know this, we think, as we miss yet another pop culture reference or inadvertently slip up, revealing just how different we are.
With each mess-up, we either withdraw more and more from the people around us or we anxiously attempt to blend in even more.
Until we end up becoming invisible.
By all outward appearances, we’ve assimilated. We’ve mastered the ability to adapt to the colors of our environment like a chameleon.
But the result is that we feel even more alone and misunderstood than before.
Becoming a Chameleon is Not the Answer
Becoming a cultural chameleon for the rest of your life isn’t the answer, dear TCK.
Simply trying your best to blend in with your surroundings and not rock the boat is not what God has in mind for you.
Don’t get me wrong. You absolutely should strive to adopt and appreciate as many of the cultural habits of your passport country as possible.
But not to the point of losing who you are and the unique worldview you have because of how you grew up.
God doesn’t think you’re beyond hope. He doesn’t think there’s something wrong with you. He doesn’t see you as a misfit.
God Sees You – All of You
Even when the people around you – including those you love dearly – don’t get you, God does.
Only He sees into the very depth of your being, He who knit you together in your mother’s womb and declares over you, “Mine.”
“O LORD, you have searched me and known me!” David cries in Psalm 139:1–4. “You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue behold, O LORD, you know it altogether” (ESV).
He knows your innermost thoughts. He sees the tears you cry in the night. He knows every single one of your deepest fears and longings.
And yet, He still accepts you. He still loves you. He still embraces you in His arms as His beloved child.
Remember the story of Hagar?
When Abraham sent her and Ishmael off into the wilderness after Isaac was born, Hagar felt abandoned by those who should have taken care of her. She was so discouraged that she placed her young son under a bush, thinking he would die soon.
But even in this barren wilderness of heartbreak and abandonment, God met her. He saw her. And He made a promise to her that Ishmael’s line would become a great nation.
He provided for her and her son, even when no one else saw or cared (Gen. 21:8–21).
Dear TCK, you are not invisible to God.
But What About Other People?
Good question.
While we can’t expect others to fulfill our deepest desires (only God can do that), God has still placed people in our lives to bless us.
He never intended for us to run the race by ourselves. That’s why He gave us the church, a community we can go to when we’re weary, to find encouragement for our souls and accountability when we stumble.
There will be people who “get” you. Other TCKs. Parents and caregivers of TCKs. Your family.
These are your people. It’s like you speak the same language. These are the people you can truly be yourself around. You’re able to talk about the shared experiences of growing up cross-culturally that you can’t fully talk about with non-TCKs.
These people may be few and far between, but they fill you up for a long time. They help you keep going when you feel like quitting. And they’re the ones who sustain you in the wilderness of misunderstanding and loneliness.
Then there will be others who don’t understand. They’ll likely make assumptions about your life. They’ll ask questions that might sound silly to you. They might avoid asking about your life altogether because they don’t know how to relate to it.
And that’s okay. Not everyone will be able to handle the messier, different, more honest parts of your story.
Learn to be discerning about whom you can confide in, when it’s helpful to educate people about your TCK background, and when to simply let things go.
Finding the Root of Your Identity
It all comes back to what you’re placing your identity in. Your heavenly home or your earthly home? Jesus or the world? The Father’s approval or man’s?
If your identity is wrapped up in what others think of you, then you will be crushed every time you receive misunderstanding, dismissal, or silence in response to your vulnerability.
But if your identity is firmly founded on Jesus and who He says you are, then no opinion of man can shake you.
Because you can never be invisible to El-Roi.
The God who sees.
TCKs for Christ: Staff Writer
Kristianne Hassman
is an MK from South Africa and has called Africa her home for the past 15 years. As a writer, she seeks to use her gifts to encourage other TCKs that they are not alone. Besides writing, she enjoys reading voraciously, playing piano and violin, and helping with her family’s ministry. You can connect with her at Whimsical Wanderings or on Instagram, @KristianneHassman_Author.
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