Why Do I Feel So Alone?

Why

Do I feel so

Alone?

I know it’s the lies talking to me

Telling me things

But I can’t help it

I can’t help thinking

No matter how much I love 

No matter how hard I try to love well

It will never be enough

Somehow my friends will drift away

Somehow they’ll leave anyway. 

Or if they don’t 

They’ll grow to hate me

To hate my words

My thoughts 

My neediness

To prefer my absence

My silence

My distance. 

Somehow I think

If I’m far enough away they’ll love me

From a distance

Or if they don’t I won’t have to know

Maybe they won’t miss me at all

Maybe I contribute nothing to our friendships. 

I know it’s the lies talking to me

Telling me things

But I can’t help it

I can’t help thinking

There will always be someone loved more than me

There will always be someone with more inside jokes

Whose company is desired more

Who is the first person called

For comfort or advice. 

I know it’s the lies but I can’t help it

No matter how false it feels true

Feels like my sisters have favorites

And it’s not me

Feels like my friends get tired of me

Eventually

And it hurts so bad

And I’m afraid of saying that and sounding insecure and clingy

Because then they’ll just increase the distance

But with a smile and placating words.

(Or they’ll be hard on themselves.)

And what can I do when it’s my destiny to leave

Eventually

No matter who you are

I will probably have to go

(Not because of you or me,

Just because of life)

And I would never go in bitterness

Or resentment

Only sadness

And a brave smile. 

But I can’t make anyone text me

Or call me

Or want to hear my voice

And it feels cruel to wish that on someone

Because it’s hard to be missing someone

So I don’t. 

I just exist

And I have all these fears and insecurities but I don’t wanna share them

Somehow that’s wrong because honesty, vulnerability is better

And I have all these thoughts and feelings but when I share them

Somehow that’s wrong because silence, listening is better

And I can’t win

And I can’t love

And I always fail

Where it matters most. 

Why 

Do I feel

So alone?

But I’m not alone

Not really.

Listen to the Truth speaking to me

Reminding me things

Start leaning in 

Seek to tune into the truth. 

The Truth.

 The truth is that the Lord loves me

He who really does love perfectly

Loved me long before I loved Him

And more wholly and completely. 

Maybe I worry that if someone truly knew me they would find me unloveable

Maybe because I have a hard time loving myself

But Jesus knew me more fully than anyone ever could

And He said,

“I want you with Me so much

I’m willing to die for your sake.”

The truth is that the Holy Spirit is always with me

He never abandons, never lets down,

Never ignores, never is impatient

He is faithful forever

Perfect in love 

And He is always with me. 

Maybe I worry that my friends all love someone else more

Maybe because I am blind to God’s blessings

But it’s ridiculous to have such a comparison

Because no two friendships are the same.

How could I be jealous of the love between my sisters?

Of course they love one another. 

Praise the Lord! It’s a good thing.

Their love for each other is different

Than my love for each of them

Because each of us is a different person 

And love takes a unique form for each object of its affections

Which means no two loves are the same

But God’s is perfect. 

And how could I be frustrated when my friend doesn’t text?

Why don’t I text?

Maybe they feel the same way

But we’re both too immature 

To act in love.

Love is patient

Kind

Gentle

Humble

Perseverant

Faithful

Good

Trusting

Hopeful

Selfless. 

Lord willing, I will one day love like this. 

Lord help me to love!

(Every time I hear two people laugh at an inside joke—

May I smile and bless You for the love they share.)

Until then, may I never point to another

And say they failed to love. 

Besides, it would be lying to say

I’m alone. 

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