You think you may have found the right person to marry. They check all the boxes: A Christian. Loves God. Is single. Shares your focus in life.
You’re attracted to her. You wonder if he likes you. Should you approach her? Should you begin a relationship with him?
We know from God’s Word that marriage is created by Him, a picture of Christ and His Church. It is something holy and beautiful, a life-long commitment, not to be taken lightly. Choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions a person has to make, and therefore must be made carefully: seeking God’s will with the help of wise counsel.
Our TCK background may also add a unique set of challenges to this already difficult task.
1. Longing to Belong
The main thing we TCKs have in common is that we are all so different. But one thing most of us also have in common is the lack of a place to truly call “home.” As a result, we tend to attach the concept of “home” to people rather than places. We want a place to belong, and once you’re married (and to a certain extent, dating*), you belong with your spouse, and in a sense, you belong to them.
If you are a TCK considering marriage, ask yourself if you might be rushing to get married because you want to belong. Or are you wanting to marry them because that is what God wants for you?
Are you choosing to date because you truly see God leading you in that direction? Or are you settling for them despite knowing that they may not be the right person for you, simply because you are desperate for a long-lasting relationship, tired of all the short relationships that come and go so quickly?
There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to belong. We as human beings are created to belong. God created us for communion with Him and with other people. All creation belongs to God, but as Christians, we belong with Him and to Him, not only as His creation but also as His beloved children.
Marriage is a reflection of our relationship with Christ. I belong with and to my husband (and vice versa), just like both of us belong first and foremost to Christ. My identity is tied to my husband, just like it is tied first and foremost to Christ.
Don’t let your longing to belong cloud your judgment in choosing a spouse. Don’t let your desire for communion cause you to thoughtlessly jump into a potentially unhealthy relationship.
2. Desiring to be Understood
Another common TCK experience is that it is difficult for other people to understand our struggles and fears. It is difficult for non-TCKs to understand how we think and why we behave the way we do. This is because, besides all the unique TCK struggles and tendencies we have, we each also have a culture unique to ourselves (plus maybe to our siblings).
So would marrying a fellow TCK ensure that you are always better understood, leading to a better marriage? Maybe, but not necessarily.
As a TCK, no matter who you marry – TCK or not – your marriage will be a cross-cultural one, and cross-cultural marriages are not easy. If you marry someone who has a different mother tongue than you, even if one (or both) of you speak your spouse’s mother tongue fluently, misunderstandings are bound to happen because of phrases or words that have multiple meanings or nuances. Even if you both share the same mother tongue, if you grew up in different parts of the world, how you understand and use certain words or phrases might be completely different.
Language problems, as well as cultural differences in perspectives and expectations, are one of the main sources of conflict in my own marriage, and – I would assume – in other cross-cultural marriages as well.
Marriage has been a refining process for me, and I expect it to continue to be so for the rest of my life. It has exposed, again and again, my pride and self-centeredness, which so often get in the way of responding to conflict with humility, respect, love, and patience. Of course, we both sin and need to ask each other for forgiveness, but one thing that has helped me a lot when I feel hurt or disrespected is to remind myself that my husband may not have meant it the way I took it. (And more often than not, I realize later that that is the case.)
God uses hard things to refine and sanctify us, molding us into who He wants us to be. He is with us through every trial and gives us the grace and strength we need to do His will. And remember, He is the only one who truly understands you.
3. Fearing to Commit
Regardless of who you are, commitment always carries a risk. Commitment requires us to be vulnerable. It creates the possibility for us to get hurt. But no relationship can grow or thrive without commitment. When we choose to enter into a relationship with someone, we are choosing to commit. This means that we must put down our guard and allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
As TCKs, some of us might struggle to commit and allow ourselves to become attached. We know all too well the pain of being left by or having to leave people we love.
Are you saying “No” to dating because you think they are not the right person for you? Or are you avoiding entering into a committed relationship because you are afraid of being hurt again, your heart scarred from all the times you have had to say “goodbye”?
Are you withholding yourself from them because you still need time to build trust? Or are you emotionally unavailable despite being in a relationship because you are afraid of becoming attached only to lose them right away?
It is perfectly normal to dread losing someone we love because that wasn’t part of God’s original creation plan. It’s a result of sin, a consequence of living in a fallen world. But God understands the pain of loss even more than we do. He gave up His only Son to reconcile us to Himself. Jesus gave up His throne in heaven to become a man and make a way for us to be reconciled to God. He made a covenant with us – a commitment to always love us, to keep His promises, and to take us to be with Him in heaven forever.
Marriage is a commitment between a man and a woman to be faithful to each other through the good and the bad, loving each other sacrificially until death. It is one of the biggest commitments a person can make. However, as scary as that may seem, in Christ, it is more than possible. We can, and should, make this commitment (if we believe that God is leading us to marriage) because it is a reflection of our relationship with Christ. And, believe me, it is more rewarding than you can imagine.
4. Fearing Change
Whereas some of us TCKs may struggle to commit, others of us may easily fall into the trap of over-commitment. We want to feel secure, convincing ourselves that this relationship is our security, with our identity tied to it. We want to settle down and plant roots, tired of constant change and moving.
When you start dating someone, you’re committing to each other, right? Now you finally have a relationship that won’t end when someone moves … right?
As I said earlier, dating and marriage require commitment. Wanting a long-lasting relationship is a good, godly desire. Just don’t let it lead you to stay in an unhealthy relationship, oblivious to all the red flags screaming at you to leave.
Date with a purpose, to find out whether you should marry this person or not. Root yourself deeply in Scripture and prayer, leaning on the wisdom God provides. Get advice from godly elders in your life who have lived, loved, and experienced more than you. Hold onto a potential spouse with an open hand. And if things don’t work out, know that God is saying, “Child, this isn’t the right one for you. I have better plans.” Hold fast to Him, knowing that He never changes and that He has good plans for you.
He is Faithful
Not everyone is called to marriage, and choosing to remain single does not mean that your life will be less meaningful or fulfilling. However, when entered into carefully and wisely, with Christ at the center, marriage is a beautiful thing. For us TCKs, it can provide an earthly sense of belonging that we never had. But if entered into rashly or for self-centered reasons, it can also be disastrous and painful.
The Bible doesn’t give us many explicit instructions on dating or how to find a spouse. It does, however, give us plenty of information on how God wants us to live as His children. Don’t stress too much about finding the “right” person or dating the “right” way. Strive to live in a way that glorifies Him, trusting in His power to lead and protect you throughout this journey, even when you fail.
Seek Him first. Find your joy, contentment, and confidence in your identity as His child. Know that He loves you, understands you, and is with you always. And most importantly, remember that He never changes. Even when we are faithless, He still remains faithful (2 Tim. 2:13). He is faithful to be with us and help us throughout our lives, whatever situation we are in, whether we are single, dating, or married.
“Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.”
1 Corinthians 7:17a ESV
*In this article, I use the word “dating.” Although I don’t have any strong preference personally, I am aware that some people prefer to use the word “courting” rather than “dating.” I believe that whichever word we use, the purpose of the relationship should be to find out whether you really should marry the person or not (“dating to marry,” as some people put it), with Christ at the center, and that is what I mean when using that word. I do not believe in “dating around” just for fun.*
TCKS for Christ: Administrator, Assistant Director
Hannah Thirananthasombun
is an ATCK with Japanese-American citizenship who grew up in Japan and has never been to the USA. She is now living in Thailand with her Thai husband and works as a volunteer coordinator for FCF Thailand. Hannah wishes to share the love and truth of Jesus Christ with as many people as possible as she adjusts to married life (with all its joys, struggles, and surprises!) in a new country and culture. Connect with her on Instagram @Hannah_Po.
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