My TCK Romance: How I Chose the Right One for Me

I met my future husband on a blind date, and it was not love at first sight. 

Smiling at him politely over a cup of tea, I thought to myself, “He seems nice, but he’s not my type.” I didn’t feel any spark, and later I told the friends who introduced us that I wasn’t interested romantically.

It wasn’t love at first sight for my date (S), either. However, he became more interested in me as we talked, and he was clear about his interest. He asked to see me again. I liked his honesty and his courage in putting himself out there, so I agreed to another date.

We met at the Lotte World Tower in Seoul, South Korea, a famous spot for views of the city and the Han River. I saw S coming towards me with a shy smile and a big bouquet of soft pink peonies, and my heart warmed a little… he didn’t know it, but peonies were one of my favourite flowers.  

That evening, he was a lot more comfortable than on our first meeting. We talked about all sorts of things, from our values and religious experience to our travels and mobile upbringing. We found out that we had moved house the same number of times and had travelled to the same number of countries. I began to think that I could be interested in this guy after all.

Our relationship blossomed. As we got to know each other, and as I learned more about him from his friends, family, and colleagues, I began to see that this was someone I could do life with. I could see that he had traits I had prayed for.

In fact, I had a list of both essentials and preferences, prayed over and refined through heartbreaks, and I could see that this man was fulfilling my list of things I’d asked God for. Even down to the fact that he was also a TCK.

Every love story is different, and every relationship is unique. But if you are trying to decide who is right for you, let me share some of what I learned in my own journey that may be helpful in yours.

Whom to Date – a TCK or a Non-TCK?

“TCK” had not, in fact, been an essential trait for me. I had dated or talked with a few men of different backgrounds, both TCK and non-TCK.

When it came to choosing a life partner, TCK ended up on my “would be nice to have” list. It would be helpful to have someone understand the challenges I had to wrestle with as a result of my upbringing. It would be lovely to have someone who could relate to my love of travel, or even to my urge to change things up.

However, I also knew that not every TCK story is the same. And not every TCK reacts in the same way to their upbringing. For example, while one TCK may crave movement and adventure, another TCK may desire to give up a mobile lifestyle and put down roots.

I realised that someone being a TCK would not automatically guarantee a good match, or that they would fully understand me, so I was open to meeting different kinds of people with different backgrounds. I learned that it is important not to assume anything about a person just because they are… or are not… a TCK (or a certain nationality, or a Christian, or anything else!). It came down to this: Get to know the individual.

So, “TCK” went on my list of preferences rather than essentials. At the end of the day, while a similar upbringing might be helpful, I knew it was even more important to find someone with a solid character and good communication skills. Those qualities would help us navigate our differences and create a strong relationship, no matter our background.

What I Looked for as a TCK

Just as each TCK is different, I knew that my personal list of essentials and preferences wouldn’t completely match anyone else’s, but it was also important to know generally what green and red flags I should be looking for. I read numerous books, talked to married couples, and listened to relationship podcasts as I crafted and refined my list. 

I decided that two core traits would be especially valuable to me as a TCK, aside from someone being a genuine Christian: a growth mindset and good conflict management.

1. Growth Mindset

A growth mindset means that a person is willing to learn and change – and I wanted someone who cared about both his personal growth and learning how to grow together. 

I was pleasantly surprised when my husband was willing to get premarital counselling even before we were engaged – assessing our strengths and growth areas. I also loved that he suggested reading books together that would nurture our relationship. In fact, on one date we went specifically to the library to scope out what marriage books we could find that were printed in both English and Korean so that we could read and understand them comfortably.

2. Conflict Management

Good conflict management was also vital, especially as an international couple. We had particular potential for conflict in differing assumptions, expectations, and misunderstandings that stemmed from our cultural and language differences, and working through our disputes rather than running away from them would be essential to a healthy relationship. 

One unexpected conflict we encountered was over meals. In England, my passport country, dinner time tends to be the most important family meal, where everyone comes together after a busy day to relax and touch base. In Korea, his passport country, the difference in work culture means that families might not be together very much in the evening. Thus, breakfast is an important time to come together. However, I am not a morning person. 

When we first got married, I didn’t join my husband for breakfast. I didn’t want to get up and resented losing sleep. But when he explained why having breakfast together was meaningful to him and how it made him feel loved, we worked out a compromise. He ate breakfast a little later than normal, and I joined him, even if I didn’t eat as much as he did! Starting our day together with a prayer over his bowl of rice and my plate of toast became a positive way to connect. 

Honestly, we are not perfect in how we handle conflict; we have areas in which to grow (growth mindset again!). But as we have gotten to know each other, both in dating and in our early experience of marriage, I have discovered that we can engage respectfully and that he wants to process issues rather than shut down. 

How We Navigate the Ups and Downs of Marriage

While we were dating, I was moved as I looked back on my journal entries of prayers to God and realised that God was answering my prayers in S. I continue to be grateful for the gift of my husband and his great qualities.

S is a TCK; although he is Korean, he lived some of his boyhood years in my passport country of England, which means he understands something not only of the TCK experience in general, but of my birth culture in particular. Also, we both grew up as pastor’s kids in the same denomination, sharing a similar church culture.

That has helped us, and yet, our similarities and strengths have not meant an entirely trouble-free relationship.

While we have certain things in common, my husband is still different from me. We clash or misunderstand each other sometimes. We still have more to learn about each other. I thank God for leading me to my husband, but we both have to continue doing the work of a relationship – communicating well, and being curious, compassionate, and intentional in growing our ability to love each other better. This is the necessary work of a relationship, whether or not you marry a fellow TCK.

Marriage and life go through seasons. Some seasons are harder, and some are easier. You change; your spouse changes. But with care, prayer, and wise advice, it is possible to make a good choice of life partner and build a happy marriage.