Sitting with Grief in the Between Spaces

A familiar song played as I watched my family assemble for my aunt’s funeral. Only my computer screen bridged the divide between me and those I loved. I huddled on my couch, wanting to be there and to hug and grieve with them. I sat in my grief in the in-between space of my house, watching the livestream, as my tears flowed. 

Deep grief accompanies a loss that can’t be recovered, a knowledge that a loved one no longer exists in this world. Watching my aunt’s funeral remotely several weeks ago intensified this sorrow. I was overwhelmed by conflicting emotions — longing to be with my family, saddened at my inability to be there, and desperately desiring to escape the space I was in. My memories of that day are a whirlwind of grief.

As a Third Culture Kid, I have missed many relatives’ funerals, which has deeply affected my sense of belonging. Maintaining close family ties is difficult when we’re separated by distance. I cherish the times I connected with family, especially when they visited me abroad. But having lived far apart means I keenly feel their loss. Even if I didn’t know them well, it feels like a piece of my family has vanished. Grieving alone, often without the closure of traditional mourning rituals, makes the loss even harder.

The grieving process looks different for everyone. But how can we keep company with grief so that over time we can have some closure when we can’t participate in our culture’s mourning rituals? Or how do we respond when people around us don’t give us the space to deal with loss in our way?

There are three things I am currently doing to walk with grief. First, I acknowledge that death was not a part of the created order. Second, I follow a few tips for keeping company with grief. And third, I explore how to move forward in faith with hope.

Reminding Ourselves of the Created Order

Close your eyes for a second and remember the Garden of Eden. God created life, love, peace, and harmony. There was no death or dying. If you can’t imagine the world as good, read Genesis 1. “And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good” (Gen. 1:31 ESV, emphasis added). 

Now move yourself into this present age. We take for granted that death is just a natural occurrence that impacts our lives.

What if I told you death was not natural? Death only came after Adam and Eve sinned. It reversed the natural order of creation to be filled and multiplied as the Lord stated in Genesis — to give life. Grief and loss started in Genesis. We now have to live with the unnaturalness of death. I contemplated this as people began speaking about my aunt. 

As TCKs, we understand what it feels like to lack full closure. We might even feel guilty if a loved one who died didn’t know Christ, questioning whether we shared our faith enough. We grieve deeply for those who have passed without knowing Him. In this context, wise counsel and a kind word may need to be sought from professionals on how to move on from this kind of grief.

However, we need to remind ourselves of our hope in Christ. Christ came to restore the natural order that was undone when Adam and Eve sinned. He came to bring back life in abundance (John 10:10). If those we have lost truly knew the Lord, they will again be restored to us. 

One day, when Jesus comes a second time, He will defeat death for good (1 Cor. 15:24–26).

Keeping Company with Grief

Over the next several days after my aunt passed away, I took the time to call my mom and talk with her about my aunt and the things we loved. I journaled and told the Lord about my pain. I talked to my husband and let him know when I needed some space or when to please hug me. He understood.

Sitting in our grief looks different for everyone. For me, I cry randomly when something reminds me of the loss. I embarrassingly cried in the middle of a store and again later while reading a book that randomly made me think of heaven and my aunt. Yes, those things are my very real loss rearing its head. 

However, after the tears have fallen, I must choose how I will move forward in the next moment. Will I choose joy, or become withdrawn and reserved? As TCKs we know about loss, but do we truly know how to sit with our sorrow and choose next to have joy? How can we choose joy when we hurt so deeply? 

True joy is not found in a place or circumstance but in the character of Christ. He is our root of true joy. 

Joy doesn’t mean you have to fake how happy you are. Rather, joy is when you can experience true delight in something, even for a small moment. Joy can be found even in grief. It takes small steps to go looking for it. 

Some things I have found to help me grieve are talking with others about my aunt, drinking tea (she loved tea), and reminding myself of when she visited us in Europe when I was a young girl.

It is okay to remind yourself of the loved one. I didn’t get the closure of going to my aunt’s funeral, but I can enjoy doing things that she once did. Taking time to remind ourselves of a loved one may turn into moments of sorrow, but in that sorrow, we can often find unexpected joy and healing. Reminding ourselves that grief is a process and we are on a journey can also bring comfort to a hurting soul.

Moving Forward in Faith and Hope

Books were my constant friends during my growing up years. Stories impact us all, and we are all a part of a unique story — God’s story, which is made up of interwoven stories where Christ is ruling all things.

A series that impacted me, and still impacts my world, is The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis. Lewis understood that stories help us heal and grow. They give hope to sorrow and inspire our imagination. Lewis’ vivid storytelling reminds us there is more to life than what we might be experiencing now. 

For those who have not read the series, sorry for any spoilers, but go read it! 

Aslan is the main hero. He is a lion who is fierce but good. In the book, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Aslan sacrifices his life to save a boy who is one of four siblings. Two girls keep watch where Aslan was killed, their night filled with deep grief. At dawn, they become filled with joy when Aslan is resurrected. This joy empowers the girls and boys to fight in an epic battle to defeat the evil witch, Jadis. Deep grief can often give way to joy.

You may surprise yourself when the sense of loss turns to joy as you look to the Lion of Judah who will wipe away every tear from your eye (Rev. 21:4). One day you will look at His face and all sorrow will be washed away and there will be nothing but pure joy written on your face. The moments you mourn will be gone, for the Lamb who was slain has called you home to be with Him and with all those with whom you share a kinship. 

This is the hope that we can move forward on. We have a task God has given us. Grief teaches us many things, and one of them is to move forward in the hope that Christ will return. 

As C. S. Lewis put it, “I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now…Come further up, come further in!”