Doubt, Disillusionment, and Daring to Live in the In-Between Places

The Bible uses some striking imagery to describe the peace of a Christ-follower. 

These images are striking, not because they are filled with mighty displays of God’s glory and triumph over evil, as seen in fiery chariots, mountain tops, or splendid sunrises. Instead, they are the exact opposite. 

Take quiet, dark valleys and motionless waters, for example. These lacklustre symbolisms point to something deeper. They show us that in those in-between, dull places, we can often find true peace. 

Our Great Shepherd, the Prince of Peace, walks before us in those quiet valleys, keeping at bay death’s shadows. He leads the way beside motionless waters. His still, small voice whispers softly to us, allaying our dread, as we flee the Jezebels of our fears.

The Death of Hope 

“The eternal silences of these infinite spaces frightens me.” 
Blaise Pascal 

It is with fond memories that I look back at my childhood, when life felt more carefree and vibrant. Till today, the sound of children’s laughter fills me with nostalgia for those bygone days when life stretched before me like an endless chasm, and adulthood seemed so distant and imagined. 

I began to build castles in the sky during those early years, castles that in time would fall and crush me beneath their impossible weight. I was gullible then, and in my naivety I dreamed dreams, entertained hopes, and nursed ambitions large enough to keep me busy until the last of my hairs turned grey. 

My castles began falling in my early teens. 

Then I began to feel the slow drag of the years. Life became meticulous and tiring, and a greyscale came over my rose-coloured glasses. I felt profoundly that I was no longer a child. 

As more years passed, hardships, both real and imagined, came. Fear and anxiety also began to claw at the door of my heart, demanding to be let in, but I maintained hope despite it all, buying out time with numerous achievements. 

Nonetheless, each success left a dull taste in my mouth and left me feeling more exhausted and disillusioned. I was 21 when I finally let the iron clasps of hopelessness draw me into…

The Depths of the Valley

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” 
Psalm 23:4 ESV

My 21st year was a hard one. 

As much as I can recollect, I had never felt more hopeless, broken, or dejected than I did then. One by one, the castles of my childhood dreams came crashing down, and I was helpless to stop them from doing so. 

For a year and a half, I struggled against feelings of defeat and disillusionment. Intrusive thoughts played their melancholic, and sometimes morbid, tunes in my head. For the first time since being saved nearly three years prior, I was tempted not just to doubt the validity of Christianity, but also the existence of God. 

The normal daily struggles with anxiety and isolation as a TCK were amplified during that time, and, in desperation, I cried to God for help. 

And His help came. 

Not as a mighty, rushing wind or a flood. Not through a mighty revelation or a startling vision. God’s healing came in little, gentle ways, like the slow running of a river beside a river bed. 

Healing came through the words of friends and late-night talks with a loved one. Through sermons and Christian fellowship. Through music and the Word. 

These were the little, gentle ways the Shepherd used to shed light against the shadows cast upon my valley and to lead me safely through it. My night of darkness was giving way to… 

The Dawn of a New Joy 

“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
Psalm 30:5b ESV

As a TCK, life often seems not to pan out as smoothly or “on time” for us as it does for our fellows. 

When the challenges of life and the pain of waiting in those in-between places start to put us in a chokehold, we often have the knee-jerk reaction to lose hope. Yet, it is exactly then that we are called to place more hope in God. 

“For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.” 
Romans 8:24–25 ESV

Our hope in Christ doesn’t just save us, it also keeps us free from the iron claws of doubt, despair, and disillusionment. 

While it is easiest to trust God when you have all you have prayed for and more, it is much greater to trust Him in the valleys, or when the waters of our life seem motionless and stagnant. Our hope in Him gives us the power to live in those in-between places. It enables us to be deeply at peace even amidst the turmoils of our daily life. 

The greatest peace in this world is experienced in the in-between places. It is a divine peace, one that the world cannot give us (John 14:7). 

It is the peace found in low valleys and beside motionless waters. 

It is the peace commanded by a still, small Voice. And the fiercest winds and waves of life obey that gentle command.