TCK Voices: Do You Belong or Simply ‘Fit In’?

Today, we have Lynette with us. Welcome, Lynette!

Please tell us a little about yourself and the different cultures you are a part of. 

Hello, I’m Lynette! I’m an English teacher and freelance writer, with a love for good stories, cute cafés, and all things floral. I was born in the UK and moved around a lot there, and I also spent time in the USA and Laos. (I was a pastor’s kid and a missionary kid.) A few years ago, I added Korea to my cultural mix. I moved to Korea for a job, met my Korean husband (who is also a TCK!), and now I’m learning how to put down roots in this new country. 

What is your biggest TCK struggle, and when did you discover this? 

My struggles have shifted and changed in different seasons of my life, but perhaps my most consistent struggle has been to feel a sense of belonging.

Growing up, I always felt like I never quite fit in anywhere. I was shy and quiet. I couldn’t easily answer where I was from. Even before I moved to the States, where my accent clearly stood out, other kids in England would comment that my accent was “posh” and that I didn’t sound like them. In college, I drifted between multiple friend groups, often gravitating towards other international students. 

Recently, as I was talking with a friend about growing up as a Pastor’s Kid, I also realized that I’ve never had a “home” church per se. I don’t feel a particular sense of belonging to any of the congregations I’ve attended — or even currently attend — perhaps because I’m used to leaving. So, the undercurrent of “not quite belonging” has always been present.

What situations in life are influenced by this struggle? 

I remember reading a quote from researcher Brene Brown on belonging vs. fitting in. In the book Daring Greatly, she states:

“Fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”[1] (p 231-232)

When you’re searching for a sense of belonging, it can be easier to settle for just fitting in instead. After all, TCKs are pretty great at assessing situations and becoming who we need to be! Flexibility is not necessarily a bad thing.

However, if you feel desperate to belong, you may bend yourself out of shape, people-please, compromise your values, and hide important parts of yourself to “fit” where you don’t truly belong. This could manifest personally or professionally.

It may feel good just to “fit in” in the short term, but it wears you down in the long term.

What is one way you fight this struggle? 

Sometimes I’m tempted to focus on any lingering feelings of unbelonging in a certain place or culture, miring myself in discontent. Instead of giving in to that, I’ve learned to notice and focus on where I do feel belonging.

I may never fit perfectly into my passport country or my host country — but I do have friendship groups where I feel like I belong. I have a husband who feels like “home.” I have a workplace that suits my skills and personality. In those zones, I can be myself, and I am accepted, appreciated, and loved for who I am.

I find fulfilment and gratitude when I invest in those small spaces where I do belong, rather than wishing I could feel belonging somewhere else.

How does struggling with Belonging impact your relationship with God? 

It has made me more appreciative of my relationship with God. God is not bound by culture and location. I go through all of life’s highs and lows with Him. God sees me intimately and loves me completely.

I love how Psalm 139 puts it:

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.

“You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.

“You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways…

“You hem me in behind and before, and You lay your hand upon me…

“If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.”

(Vv 1–3, 5, 9–10 NIV)

I also know I belong to the worldwide body of Christ. “So in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” (Romans 12:5 NIV)

Even though I have struggled to feel belonging in any local church, I still have Christian friends all around the world who can encourage and challenge me, ultimately pointing me to Jesus.

1 Cor 3:23 says, “You are Christ’s” (NIV).

I belong with Christ.

How has this struggle also been a strength in your life?

I believe I’m more sensitive and empathetic towards others who may feel that they are on the fringes. I can spot when someone is new in a group and perhaps a little shy or uncertain about approaching people, and I can reach out to them.

I’ve also been challenged to consider who I am, especially in the context of “belonging” as opposed to “fitting in.”

How have my cultures shaped me? What am I really interested in? What do I truly dislike? What do I hold as core values that go deeper than just what I do to be accepted in certain contexts?

Those kinds of questions might not be easy, but they’re worth considering. You emerge with a stronger sense of self and a better idea of where you might belong.

Is there anything else you would like to share with other TCKs who struggle with Belonging?

You’re truly not alone! You may not feel like you belong in any one place. However, TCKs often feel most at home with each other! Join online communities; go to in-person meet-ups (if that’s available where you live); listen to podcasts and read articles; process your feelings and experiences with those who understand and can guide you. Make the most of the TCK community to which you belong!  

Thank you for sharing with us, Lynette!

What is your TCK struggle? Find out here!

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References:

[1] Brown, B. (2015). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York: Penguin.s