TCK Voices: Bullying and Isolation

Today, we have Joy with us. Welcome, Joy!

Please tell us a little about yourself and the different cultures you are a part of.

I was born in Lagos, the infamous babel of Nigeria, but moved with my family to South Africa when I was seven years old. The move was a very big shock for me. There were obvious shifts, like language and geography, that took some getting used to. But there were also smaller, subtler things, like cultural differences and expectations that had — and still have — a bigger impact on me as a TCK. 

Although I am still not fully accustomed to the culture(s) here, I now consider South Africa my country. I love South Africa: her provinces, beauty, cultures, and history. Most importantly, I love the Springboks. Go bokkie! (If you do not know who or what the Springboks are, don’t worry too much. They are only the greatest rugby team in the entire world!)

As for Nigeria, although I no longer have a lasting connection to the country (I can barely name three of its 36 states and can only recall the first stanza of the national anthem), I do feel more of a connection with Nigerians than with South Africans. 

So in a sense, South Africa is my country, but Nigerians are my people. I think a lot of TCKs can resonate with that dichotomy. 

What are your biggest TCK struggles, and when did you discover them? 

My biggest TCK struggles pertain to aspects of belonging, identity, and relationships. 

My struggle with belonging has been a lasting one that has not only affected my self-identity but also seeps into other areas of my life, including my relationships and identity. Being a TCK often feels like being a part of two (or more) cultures, yet estranged from both. 

I have a tendency to think of myself as an individual or “just Joy” rather than part of a group. Weirdly enough, this feeling lingers, though less so, even when I am with TCKs. When I am with TCKs from a Nigerian background, for example, I subconsciously grade them by their “Nigerianness” and find it difficult to engage with those more or less “Nigerian” than I am. This is scary and isolating. 

The feeling of being separate also goes with me to places where boundaries should be erased, like church, for example, or when with a group of close friends. 

I think I first discovered this insecurity in primary school, when I was first bullied by a certain group of kids. They picked on me for the very things that made me different; for example, my darker skin and my accent. I tried to fit in, to lose my Nigerian accent, and to remember to say my h’s. Once, I went so far as to soak my hands in bleach (the product you use to whiten fabrics) because I thought this would make me fairer-skinned.

What situations in life are influenced by these struggles? 

Not being part of the “in” group has made me feel the need to overcompensate for my “defects” in not being like others. This overcompensation comes out in different ways, for example, by being over-nice or over-respectful in order to fulfill the sometimes subconscious desire to gain the approval of others. In some sense, you can say that most of my TCK life so far has been a constant drive to please and to be accepted by others. 

On the other hand, I struggle with a fear of being seen as well. I tend to prefer my own company to the company of others. This is not because I am introverted. I was very extroverted as a child, and my outgoing nature still sometimes comes out with the closest of my friends or with my family. However, my experiences have taught me to “protect” myself by keeping away from others. I acknowledge that this is not a very good thing. For a long time after primary school, because of the bullying I received (and which continued through high school), I also struggled with social anxiety. I would stutter or start to shake when I had to read or speak in front of people. 

Other areas of my life have also been influenced by my TCK struggles. Some are very personal. 

I believe that our personalities play a role in how we accept, deal with, and overcome our TCK struggles. Our struggles might be universal, but we experience them all in slightly different ways because of our inherent differences. 

How does your TCK struggle impact your relationship with God? 

As a result of my struggle with belonging, I have a tendency to sometimes feel unseen and unheard, even by the omnipresent and omniscient God. I know this is an atrocious paradox, but having a head knowledge of the truth doesn’t always help matters if your actual view of reality is distorted. It is also hard sometimes to reconcile my relationship with God when I feel like a foreigner even among His people. 

That being said, I also have an overwhelming sense that I can only feel at home and at peace in God’s presence. Nothing else has done that for me: not friendship, not books, not fellow TCKs. Only He knows the very motions of my heart and sees my needs and troubles. He knows what it feels to be an outcast (Isa. 53:3), and that is no small comfort to me. 

What is one way you fight these struggles of Belonging, Identity, and Relationships? 

To be honest, I’m still struggling. There are some days and some seasons that are better than others. I try to remind myself that my identity and the foundation of my life and purpose do not lie in anyone or in anything apart from God. Like the popular hymn goes: 

On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand:

all other ground is sinking sand;

all other ground is sinking sand.

Reminding myself is hard. Sometimes I try to preach the truth to myself, and my soul reacts beautifully to it. Other times, my soul doesn’t give way to receive it. 

Two other ways in which I find solace are in nature and in imagination. The latter is not useful because it only creates an alternate reality and does nothing to positively alter actual reality. It is a means of escape and no more. 

The former has been a blessing to me. One way in which the Lord has reached me through periods of deep pain has been through nature, especially mountains and birds, both of which I have written articles and letters about to this TCK audience. At one point, my heart cry to God was, “Like a once-caged bird, set me free!” Birds are an embodiment of the freedom and escape I have oftentimes wished for myself. 

How have these struggles also been a strength in your life?

This struggle helped push out creativity in me. Because of my isolation, I spent some of my recesses in primary school and high school reading books. I also fell in love with music as it was a vehicle that transported me to a place where I could be anything I wanted. Both books and music helped me fall in love with words and writing, which has been such a blessing to me. 

I also have a sense of independence that has been bred from my struggles. And although I sometimes struggle with it, I am able to practice cultural grace more than those who are born and bred on the same soil. 

I could mention other things, but these are the ones that come to mind. 

Is there anything else you would like to share with other TCKs who struggle with  Belonging, Identity, or Relationships?

Stick through the pain. 

Your pain isn’t for nothing. It might be the tool God is using to deepen your relationship with Him and to build your character. Although you might not know now all the reasons for your peculiar struggles, trust God to bring something out of it all, even if it is only patience to endure it well (Rom. 5:3–5). And no matter how strong the temptation is — I say this to myself as well — try not to isolate yourself from others. 

Continue to preach the truth to yourself even when it is hard to believe, because the truth cannot be altered by the hardships we face. 

Thank you for sharing with us, Joy!

What is your TCK struggle? Find out here!