what is this feeling of loss?
love hurts.
it hurts
to love a person
a friend
that i only spent a week of my life with
it hurts to go through cherished pictures and think
“i’ll never see her again”
it hurts to wonder
is she still in that village?
did she die of some disease?
did she get married and have two or three kids by now?
did she get to pursue education as she wished?
is she in a university somewhere struggling with not fitting in?
i can relate.
it hurts, this heartache.
it hurts to hold a person in your heart
and to wonder if she knows—
even if i never see her again—
i still love her.
it hurts too to love a place
the land, the weather, the culture
and all the memories it represents
to hold it in your heart
because places are big
and physically far away—
so where does that leave my heart?
…
it hurts too to love someone so much
who’s right in front of me
who understands best this feeling
of being far away from home
of being confused at how much it can hurt
at how a few years can change a life
it hurts to see her, to think of her every day
to greet her
to recall all the love we shared
to see her smile
to know what her facial expressions mean
but to be a friend of the past
on the long list of those she greets warmly
no longer on the short list of those who share in her heart.
it hurts to look at a photo
to remember the feeling i had when it was taken
to wish with all my might i could go back there
to know i can’t.
it’s a heaviness in the chest
a brimming of the eyes,
a distance in the mind
at a picture, a look, a word
a resemblance to my own story, my own memories, my own loves.
it even hurts when people are so interested
because they care
to hear my story, my memories, my loves
because it hurts not to be there
it hurts to remember
it hurts to love.
it hurts to smile and let them into my story, my memories, my loves
that made me smile
because i can transmit information about how it looked
how it smelled
what she did
what she said
how i felt—
but i can’t transmit love or the pain
and besides, love hurts—
i wouldn’t want to transmit the pain.
so i smile when you ask
and i share enthusiastically
with a faraway look in my eyes
and foreign words slipping from my tongue
because i’m glad to share my loves
so i smile in remembrance
but my heart weeps
because it hurts to love.
but just like when I really cry
my tears don’t leave a trace,
even though my heart aches.
TCKs for Christ: Newsletter Manager
Chana
is a TCK from America who spent half of her childhood in Indonesia along with her parents and seven younger siblings. She’s passionate about learning new things and seeing the beauty in differences. In her free time, she likes to read, play board games, talk, laugh, write poetry, joke, and meet new people. She’s also a student at Moody Bible Institute, working towards her bachelor’s in Linguistics and Teaching English.
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