Lifelong Journey to Have a Settled Home

i used to be an adventurous spirit
excited to go outside
restless to see the world
longing to explore
mountains and woods
creeks and caves
deserts and oceans.

i was eager to go,
keen to travel
boarding a plane
crossing oceans
leaving everything
for a new life
and my own puppy.

i waited more than half my life
for a settled home
in that new country.

i waited nine years
until we finally flew.

i waited four years
through seven borrowed houses
until we finally had a home.

two years later,
i left on vacation
and was prevented
from ever returning.

i clung for two years
to that settled home
in our new country—
with empty fists
tightened around air.

all that waiting
those years of preparing
the building anticipation—
for what?

two years of a settled home.

and that settled home
was a lie.

it didn’t belong to us,
for we were foreigners
unable to own land.

not our home.

it wasn’t a haven,
for my parents were fractured
silently bleeding alone.

not settled.

so i waited
for the first fourteen years of my life
for the promise
of a settled home
in a new country.

i thought i had it
for two years,
but it was a front.

so i learned
you never know
when your home
your loved ones
your stability
will be taken from you.

i clung for two years
to that “settled home”
only to lose it.

so i looked at my surroundings
and built my own home.

i grew comfortable
everywhere—
where i walked,
where i studied,
where i talked,
where i ate.

i made my companions
my new family
and chose to stop wishing
for another life.

i built and maintained a new home.

i clung to it
for the four years i lived there,
though my new sister rejected me
my new friends grew and moved away,
and i outgrew my home.

the very family i had made
told me i had grown wings
and must leave the nest.

so i left
staying as close as possible
maintaining as many
friendships as i could
building yet another family
and borrowing another home.

this family is here to stay,
i tell myself.

we made lifelong vows
and we are each other’s home now.

but still i dig in,
as though i know this apartment we have
will one day be another’s—
still i settle quickly
and readily cling
to everything within reach
of this new home.

i used to be restless,
eager to go
ready to arrive—
and i miss that.

now i’m present,
content to stay
grateful to love—
and i appreciate it.

but i look at my closed fists
clenching air,
and i know
this too i must release.

for there is a settled home for me,
waiting
as long as it takes me to arrive.
that home will never be taken
that family is for eternity
so i can appreciate this journey
while it lasts,
knowing that a settled home
waits for me
at the end of the long road.

Read next: Multiplied

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